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If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool.
Whenever i feel the need to exercise, i lie down until it goes away.
Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they will show up quickly.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and i’m not sure about the universe.
After Tuesday even the calendar goes “W T F”.
Out of all the lies i’ve told, “Just Kidding!” is my favourite.
Go to heaven for the climate, hell for company.
I love the deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.